This is it. This is the Pure Ownage Tour 2005.
Starting tomorrow, from the town of Flagstaff, the villagers will wish me repspeed and clear horizons as I survey my conquered land, the United States of America, along the beautiful rep 66. The trail is illustrated on the map as a river of blood, which will come, of course, from the perpetual legion of red staters that I'll pass at such inconceivable speeds that the wind behind me will rip their hides clean off.
The legend (not me, the map legend) clearly shows what is in store for those who walk this Earth. Since I know you're all concerned about my safety, let it be known that I'm bringing plenty of water, a cellular phone and 5-mile citizen's band radio, a small pack of quickclot, extra batteries for my lights, plenty of cash, and a container of a high calorie pressed snackbars that I cooked up.
All a man needs to get himself to the next truck stop... Which is where I'll be eating, primarily. Most have good facilities for cleaning my manparts, and I'll be able to pick up a retarded, I support my troops shirt in case one of the four shirts I'm packing inadvertently becomes toilet paper if I have to shit 40 miles from nothing. It happens. A friend of mine once did it in the desert a fear years ago. I look forward to it if it happens to me. Shitting in public without it being a prank would probably be very emancipating.
Hopefully the weather won't be too treacherous in Oklahoma this time around, but if I have to, I'll make a tornado change direction to the southwest just by mean mugging it. In all seriousness though, I don't plan on destroying a semi so most of the ride is mapped out on the old roads which are now typically access roads running parallel to the main highway.
After leaving tomorrow, keep an eye out for me on the news. I'll be the guy eating coal and spitting out diamonds as I speed along.
Remember, you don't need to pray for my safety because I'm the one listening on the other end after you say, "Dear Lord,..."
Love,
rep
