I haven't seen any of them, and I think I can say that I don't plan to do so either.
This year’s box office slump may have been exaggerated, as most years’ are. But, as is evident in our 2005 Top 10 Turkeys list--in which we roast the year’s poultry, er, paltry offerings--there is often no correlation between a movie’s quality and its take at the box office. In fact, even some of the year’s worst, as presented below, remained afloat (or better) at the box office.
Now, we had no trouble comprising the Top 10 Turkeys, but once whittled down to 10, each turkey looked so tasty that they all seemed to be vying for that No. 1 spot! After great deliberation, jeering, rehashing and self-loathing, however, we narrowly narrowed them down.
Here, then, are the turkeys that, even had they been burnt to a crisp, still wouldn’t have been well done:
10. Be Cool
The damage: $55.8 Million
The trimmings: In this wholly unnecessary sequel to 1995’s Get Shorty, streetwise producer Chili Palmer (John Travolta) spurns movies for the music biz. This time around, he’ll have to go through quite a cast of characters to get his clientele record contracts. Luckily, he’s got that whole mobster thing goin’ on.
Why stuff it: OK, don't let the box office numbers fool you. The only reason this got a big push was because it's a sequel to a beloved original. Once word got out, it quickly sank to the bottom. Too bad. Travolta’s casting worked in Shorty because some restraint went into portraying the character. But then, in the Be Cool, Chili was suddenly surrounded by typically flamboyant freakshows.
This turkey’s bottom line: Elmore Leonard’s searing crime fiction has been successfully adapted to big screen. But it’s clear to see what will happen any time one of his sequels is adapted--it isn’t pretty.
9. The Man
The damage: $8.3 Million
The trimmings: Special Agent Derrick Vann (Samuel L. Jackson) is a hard-nosed guy looking to exact revenge on the guy who killed his partner. But an extreeeeeme case of mistaken identity leads him to his very antithesis, Andy Fidler (Eugene Levy). Formula? You bet. But have we ever had better catnaps? No, sir!
Why stuff it: This take on the anti-buddy-cop template is as tired as Jackson’s shtick. We now have a newfound respect for fart jokes, because not only are they somehow the funniest parts of the movie, but the scant uproarious laughter also served as our alarm clocks.
This turkey’s bottom line: The usually funny Levy disappoints us when he accepts this muck. We expect this from post-Pulp Fiction Jackson, but Levy’s quickly erasing his brilliant supporting turns in Christopher Guest films--and even the American Pies.
8. Elektra
The damage: $24.4 Million
The trimmings: Jennifer Garner took her butt-kicking ways a step further by accepting the title role in this spin-off of the 2003 no-money-earned-by-superhero-movie-standards flick Daredevil. But any credibility she lost, she gained it back by marrying the Daredevil himself, Ben Affleck.
Why stuff it: Since we can’t bear to insult a pregnant (at press time) woman, we’ll gladly deflect criticism to--hmmm, so many choices... How about the dialogue? Actually, there isn’t any talking necessary because Garner is dressed in form-fitting attire.
This turkey’s bottom line: Apparently, 20th Century Fox chose to ignore our generous (ha!) ranking of Catwoman, one of last year’s top turkeys and essentially on the same level of absurdity as Elektra. This miserable, DOA spin-off should have been reserved for TV.
7. Alone in the Dark
The damage: $5.1 Million
The trimmings: Based on a video game that deals with the paranormal, the film stars Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. Hence, the title should’ve probably been Lost in Translation 2.
Why stuff it: It’s a simple commandment: Thou shalt not adapt video games into movies. And damnation be upon the Tomb Raider films for launching such anemic successors! If Angelina Jolie has given up on the genre, everyone else should follow suit. This turkey’s bottom line: A video game-turned-feature film, starring Slater, Reid and Dorff. How’s that for a bottom line? And for Slater, it has been a tough year all-around--on and off screen. Not only did he star in Alone in the Dark but also…
6. Mindhunters
The damage: $4.5 Million
The trimmings: Completing Christian Slater’s 2005 coup de grace--how will 2006’s play out?!--is this whodunit, in which he (briefly) starred as one of a team of aspiring FBI profilers.
Why stuff it: Well, there is the barrage of laughable plot twists, but yeah, we’ll go with the actors, who only look like puppets because of the even-worse script they’re bringing to life. Good stuff.
This turkey’s bottom line: There’s a reason--actually, there are many--Mindhunters wasn’t released until well over a year after its completion: It looked so much better on the shelves, buried in dust.
5. Son of the Mask
The damage: $17 Million
The trimmings: Remember The Mask, with Jim Carrey? Yes, well, the studio decided to honor its 11-year anniversary by waiting till all buzz subsided before releasing this sequel. This time Jamie Kennedy replaces Carrey as the star. And yes, everything is askew from beginning to end.
Why stuff it: Because we’re talking about The Mask, for heaven’s sakes. Without Jim Carrey. A decade later. With a huge budget. The film is a sort of momentarily lapse in sanity, a collective Hollywood brain freeze.
This turkey’s bottom line: We’ve known Kennedy can be manic from his comedic turns on TV shows and in movies, but we had no idea he was so masochistic until he took this role. It’s the only explanation; he simply had to know this wouldn’t work.
4. Supercross
The damage: $3.1 Million
The trimmings: Two chiseled dudes--seemingly fresh off an Abercrombie & Fitch photo shoot--do whatever it takes to fulfill their lifelong dreams of Supercross racing. It’s gnarly--or whatever the hypothetical fans of the movie might’ve said.
Why stuff it: The “film,” loaded with footage from real-life Motocross racing, seems totally aimless. There’s neither an attempt to be over-the-top or--dare we say--artistic. Actually, there’s just no attempt at all. It’s just an uninspired mess with nary a recognizable face.
This turkey’s bottom line: Even the film’s only asset, the stuntmen and women, will adamantly deny any involvement in Supercross, which screams for an IMAX release after 95 percent of the movie is cut.
3. Undiscovered
The damage: $1.1 Million
The trimmings: A group of starving, um, artists (Pell James, Steven Strait, Ashlee Simpson, Kip Pardue) try to make it out in L.A. Oh, how "art" imitates life.
Why stuff it: Simpson’s acting in the film isn’t nearly as strong here as her powerhouse SNL lip-synching performance, but, try as we might, she can’t be the scapegoat. No, that honor is distributed equally across the board, with no one left to spare.
This turkey’s bottom line: The filmmakers were so confused with this one. They wanted an indie blockbuster with an in-crowd, MTV feel, with no-name twentysomethings acting out teen melodrama. Shockingly, it doesn’t work.
2. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
The damage: $22.3 Million
The trimmings: From the genius of Rob Schneider, star of masterpieces like The Hot Chick, The Animal and countless Adam Sandler-facilitated bit parts, comes the lowly anticipated sequel to 1999’s Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo. Yes, like we needed a hole in our heads.
Why stuff it: The original Bigalow was a brand of bad so crass and crude it warranted a cult following--at least that’s what the filmmakers thought. Guess the following just got up and went away.
This turkey’s bottom line: We can’t say it was the year’s biggest financial disaster, but the humor simply marked a new low. We walked out with our heads down, dejected and pitying the future of cinema.
And our No. 1 Turkey of 2005…
1. Stealth
The damage: $31.7 Million
The trimmings: Three expertly trained pilots (Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx--the three J’s!) struggle to stop an artificial-intelligence jet from doing something very bad. Such sweet poetry as compared to the film’s execution.
Why stuff it: If we had to pinpoint just one fault, well, we couldn’t. It’s all bad--from every step between concept and post-production. With a budget that certainly exceeded its box office grosses, not even the speed and sheer volume of Stealth could divert us. Instead, it only further accentuates its fatal flaws.
This turkey’s bottom line: We never wish failure upon anyone because we know how much goes into even the worst of movies. But now and again it’s satisfying to see the movie biz trip over itself. Complacency’s a killer, and sometimes studios think big names and effects will be enough, thus underestimating audiences. For that, Stealth is the No. 1 Turkey--and cautionary tale--of 2005.
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