Haven't had a joke thread lately...

[MKJ]

komt een man met een goudvis bij de dokter.

Zegt de dokter: 'Ik zie het al: uit de kom.'

:icon21:

my god, man

[R00k]

"Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.". .

LOL. Check a few posts above.

[HM-PuFFNSTuFF]

"Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.". .

LOL. Check a few posts above.

oops

[Giraffe }{unter]

God vs. Satan

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme.

And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"

And Man said: "Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles."

And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.

And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"

And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"

And Satan said: "It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

[Foo]

LOL.

That joke is pretty powerful.

[Transient]

"Wow, what was your third wish?"

"Well I wished for an orange for a head."

[Scourge]

God vs. Satan

I heard that on the radio, went to their website and copied it. :icon14: Gave me a laugh anyway.

[seremtan]

good joke apart from the punchline. wth is an HMO?

[Transient]

good joke apart from the punchline. wth is an HMO?

It's health insurance for the poor.

i.e. really really shitty quality.

[Freakaloin]

any good new orleans jokes?

[Nightshade]

good joke apart from the punchline. wth is an HMO?

It's health insurance for the poor.

It is not. HMO stands for Healthcare Management Organization, and they're a really really shitty alternative to traditional health insurance.

Google for full explanation.

[Dante]

It's health insurance for the poor.

Thats more of a medicare stereotype since people can get medicine for free but not bother paying the copay. Pharmacies still have to give out the meds regardless.

[Scourge]

Lol.

[seremtan]

good joke apart from the punchline. wth is an HMO?

It's health insurance for the poor.

It is not. HMO stands for Healthcare Management Organization, and they're a really really shitty alternative to traditional health insurance.

Google for full explanation.

wikipedia has the gen.

i'm pretty sure there have been polls in the US showing a majority (i.e. 60%+) want a federally funded healthcare system (a la europe). if that's true it isn't surprising. US healthcare is the most expensive, least equitable or efficient, system in the western world.

[equivo]

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

[stocktroll]

CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush! 's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office St. Peter answered. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

weak
thats a recycled joke ive heard like 15 years ago

[Guest]

riddla.

[shadd_]

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
S

heh, no shit.

[+JuggerNaut+]

Oldie but goodie Steven Wright wisdom...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station ...
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks ... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

the best post in here is not even a joke. falls under the category.

[Guest]

A man goes to jail and receive a nine years sentence.
His lawyer says you have to stay with a woman type of 400 pounds nazi type for three years but after that you can choose any of your favorites for the rest of your time as Pamela, Crawford, Cruze…That will fulfill your most demands.

Three years past and the lawyer came to see him.
Good news for you…
You have respected all the condition for three years…
After 1/3RD of your time.
You are now free

[seremtan]

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

probably yes

[seremtan]

A man goes to jail and receive a nine years sentence.
His lawyer says you have to stay with a woman type of 400 pounds nazi type for three years but after that you can choose any of your favorites for the rest of your time as Pamela, Crawford, Cruze…That will fulfill your most demands.

Three years past and the lawyer came to see him.
Good news for you…
You have respected all the condition for three years…
After 1/3RD of your time.
You are now free

again, with the funny put back in?

[ScooterG]

ffs, dude...that was so bad it actually made me laugh while wincing over how terrible it was!

[+JuggerNaut+]