SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT:.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION:
Punch him.
SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT:
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION:
See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:
Improper bladder control.
ACTION:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:
Glass empty.
ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:
You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:
Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:
You have fallen forward.
ACTION:
See above.
SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred.
FAULT:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving.
FAULT:
You are being carried out.
ACTION:
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:
Bar has closed.
ACTION:
Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM:
Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:
Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT:
You are dancing on the table.
ACTION:
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:
Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT:
You have been in a fight.
ACTION:
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT:
The beer is too weak.
ACTION:
Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT:
Beer is just right.
ACTION:
Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM:
Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT:
Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION:
Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM:
Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT:
You've been walking into things.
ACTION:
Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM:
Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT:
You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION:
Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM:
Bed is bumping around.
FAULT:
Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION:
It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
