random jokes time!

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 3:54 pm

Becks and Fergie...

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds
the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? Posh and the kids OK?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm
losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's
really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie.

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other
day and...'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex.

'You're playing shit because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says
David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really
easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just
can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and...'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'OK boss, but... It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the
box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and
it's doing my head in and... and... it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's
really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box... er...
sorry boss.'

'OK, OK' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bloody jigsaw and let's have a look
shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergie's office.

'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look
boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I
just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and
everything.' Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.

Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and
says to Beckham...

'Put the fucking Frosties back in the box David!'

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 3:56 pm

President Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England. He asks her, how
do you run an efficient government? Any tips you can give me?

And the Queen says well, the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people.

Bush frowns, and replies, well, how do I know the people around me are
really intelligent or not?

The queen takes a little sip of tea, and says, Oh, that's easy. You just
ask them a riddle.

Then the queen pushes the button on her intercom and says "please send
Tony Blair in here, would you"?

So Tony Blair walks into the room. Yes, my Queen?

The queen smiles at Tony and says,Tony, answer me this, would you? Your
mother and father have a child. It's not your brother, and it's not your
sister. Who is it?

Without missing a beat, Tony Blair says, Well, that would be me.

The queen smiles and says, Very good, thank you!

So, back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled. So, he asks to speak
with Dick Cheney. Hey Dick, answer this for me, would ya? Your mother and
your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your
sister... who is it?

Dick Cheney frowns and says Geez, I'm not sure... lemme get back to you.
So, Dick Cheney goes to all his advisors, and asks everyone he can, but no
one can answer it for him. Finally, he ends up in the men's room, and he
recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall over.

So Dick shouts over to him, Hey Colin... can you answer this for me? Your
mother and your father have a child, and it's not your brother, or your
sister. Who is it?

Colin Powell flushes, and yells back, Hey, that's easy... it's me.

Dick Cheney smiles and yells Thanks!

So, Dick Cheney goes back into the Oval Office and tells Bush, Hey, I
finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It's Colen Powell!

Bush gets up, and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheney. Bush gets right in
Dick's face and yells, No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 4:07 pm

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack

Post by **seremtan** » Sat May 28, 2005 4:10 pm

CrinklyArse wrote:President Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England. He asks her, how
do you run an efficient government?

I can tell this is a yank joke. Only an American would think the Queen runs anything more than a bath every night.

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 4:35 pm

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 4:35 pm

oh and im english, though got it of an american site probably

Post by **Scourge** » Sat May 28, 2005 4:37 pm

seremtan wrote:
CrinklyArse wrote:President Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England. He asks her, how
do you run an efficient government?
I can tell this is a yank joke. Only an American would think the Queen runs anything more than a bath every night.

We know better than that. Why they are even still there is beyond me.

Post by **Furtive** » Sat May 28, 2005 5:51 pm

OOOO I GOT A JOKE

Post by **Furtive** » Sat May 28, 2005 5:52 pm

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable...

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 300 yard shot and just 30 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo!!!"

The Japanese clients looked confused and said, "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

Post by **Furtive** » Sat May 28, 2005 5:56 pm

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender asks "why the long face?"

Post by **Furtive** » Sat May 28, 2005 5:57 pm

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe Some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Post by **seremtan** » Sat May 28, 2005 7:26 pm

scourge34 wrote:
seremtan wrote:
CrinklyArse wrote:President Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England. He asks her, how
do you run an efficient government?
I can tell this is a yank joke. Only an American would think the Queen runs anything more than a bath every night.
We know better than that. Why they are even still there is beyond me.

Hey, you're preaching to a republican here.

Please note the small 'r' in republican :icon31:

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 7:28 pm

A man walks into a bar.

"Ouch"

Post by **andyman** » Sat May 28, 2005 7:47 pm

What is black and yellow and makes you laugh?

A bus full of negroz driving off a cliff

lol?

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 7:52 pm

Blonde Jokes:
Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Post by **andyman** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:03 pm

CrinklyArse wrote:Blonde Jokes:
Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience.

Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

what is this forum in your sig?

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:13 pm

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:13 pm

im "M_C_Ruthers"

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:14 pm

usually am, just signed up on here as CrinklyArse cos i was feeling crazy

Post by **andyman** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:30 pm

LOL UR KARAZY

nice forum...could use a different skinf though.

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:30 pm

id have to custom make one and i really cant be fucked

Post by **CrinklyArse** » Sat May 28, 2005 10:30 pm

the ones u get with it suk

Post by **corsair** » Sun May 29, 2005 12:51 am

Q:?
A:Y

Post by **Furtive** » Sun May 29, 2005 1:04 am

CrinklyArse wrote:Blonde Jokes:
Q: Why did the blonde have square tits?
A: Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Post by **andyman** » Sun May 29, 2005 1:19 am

CrinklyArse wrote:id have to custom make one and i really cant be fucked

you can get them off the phpbb website you know