What a wanker...
Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 1:52 pm
There are times when I hate the impartiality factor of being a bartender. Now matter how stupid or irritating the story, no matter how boring or ridiculous the anecdote, there is very little you can actually do to get rid of the person telling you it without refusing to serve them anymore.
No matter how skilled you are at persuading people you are right, there is no way you can convince them that it would be in their best interest limit wise if this was their last lemonade. I always seem to get one such customer.
He is a regular that will be in like clockwork every Wednesday: he will chat to the other people present in the bar over his mandatory three lemonades, then phone for a taxi, have half a pint of bitter then leave. The man is harmless. The man is polite. It turns out that the man is also a complete wanker.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, and he decided to break his duck last night. It went downhill from square one…
’Now then, not seen you in ages – I heard you were dead! Where have you been?’
’Funny you should say that…’
He then lifted up his shirt to reveal a scar that must have been at least seven inches long. It turns out that his girlfriend had stabbed him during an argument, had punctured his liver, leaving him in the ICU for two weeks. I wouldn’t say I was that surprised – the man has come in with injuries before, when I last saw him she had glassed him in the face. One of his favourite topic to help his lemonade go down was always his girlfriends short temper. Any sane man would have thrown her out after the glass incident. Any sane man wouldn’t have let her back in and moved on rather quickly. Despite wanting to remain neutral I had a lot of trouble hiding my look of disgust at his next line…
’Do you think there is a way to stop the case going to court? The police have charged her with aggravated assault with a weapon. I don’t want her to get a criminal record – she won’t be able to work after that.’
I explained that although my knowledge of the legal system is sketchy, if the CPS has decided that there is a case to answer then the matter is out of your hands. He seemed visibly disappointed. He then went on to describe how he had been to the police asking them to drop it, and he had written to them countless times to no avail. He also explained how he had told them he didn’t want to go to court and help with the prosecution as a witness in the form of the injured party.
I certainly wasn’t expecting his next bombshell. I don’t think anybody would.
’I’ve also hired her a solicitor to help her out.’
Is this man mad? He is spending his money on a legal defence for a woman that could have killed him. He is also not throwing her out until the trial (which he hopes will never happen) is out of the way – until then he sleeps in the guest room of his house with the bed against the door to stop her getting in. He says he can’t get her to leave. I told him that she could be removed from the house if he had the legal rights to the property. It turns out that he does, but he doesn’t want to use that method. It is a bit forceful.
I had been getting gradually more blunt in my replies throughout the conversation, but before I could call the man a wanker an elderly bloke solved my problems by tapping him on the shoulder with a walking stick…
’You are a spineless cunt! If you won’t get rid of her after what she has done you deserve to get stabbed! Its just a pity it wasn’t in the neck, you damn fool!’
I don’t feel guilty for almost crying with laughter at this.
No matter how skilled you are at persuading people you are right, there is no way you can convince them that it would be in their best interest limit wise if this was their last lemonade. I always seem to get one such customer.
He is a regular that will be in like clockwork every Wednesday: he will chat to the other people present in the bar over his mandatory three lemonades, then phone for a taxi, have half a pint of bitter then leave. The man is harmless. The man is polite. It turns out that the man is also a complete wanker.
I hadn’t seen him in a while, and he decided to break his duck last night. It went downhill from square one…
’Now then, not seen you in ages – I heard you were dead! Where have you been?’
’Funny you should say that…’
He then lifted up his shirt to reveal a scar that must have been at least seven inches long. It turns out that his girlfriend had stabbed him during an argument, had punctured his liver, leaving him in the ICU for two weeks. I wouldn’t say I was that surprised – the man has come in with injuries before, when I last saw him she had glassed him in the face. One of his favourite topic to help his lemonade go down was always his girlfriends short temper. Any sane man would have thrown her out after the glass incident. Any sane man wouldn’t have let her back in and moved on rather quickly. Despite wanting to remain neutral I had a lot of trouble hiding my look of disgust at his next line…
’Do you think there is a way to stop the case going to court? The police have charged her with aggravated assault with a weapon. I don’t want her to get a criminal record – she won’t be able to work after that.’
I explained that although my knowledge of the legal system is sketchy, if the CPS has decided that there is a case to answer then the matter is out of your hands. He seemed visibly disappointed. He then went on to describe how he had been to the police asking them to drop it, and he had written to them countless times to no avail. He also explained how he had told them he didn’t want to go to court and help with the prosecution as a witness in the form of the injured party.
I certainly wasn’t expecting his next bombshell. I don’t think anybody would.
’I’ve also hired her a solicitor to help her out.’
Is this man mad? He is spending his money on a legal defence for a woman that could have killed him. He is also not throwing her out until the trial (which he hopes will never happen) is out of the way – until then he sleeps in the guest room of his house with the bed against the door to stop her getting in. He says he can’t get her to leave. I told him that she could be removed from the house if he had the legal rights to the property. It turns out that he does, but he doesn’t want to use that method. It is a bit forceful.
I had been getting gradually more blunt in my replies throughout the conversation, but before I could call the man a wanker an elderly bloke solved my problems by tapping him on the shoulder with a walking stick…
’You are a spineless cunt! If you won’t get rid of her after what she has done you deserve to get stabbed! Its just a pity it wasn’t in the neck, you damn fool!’
I don’t feel guilty for almost crying with laughter at this.
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