The worst movie ever made
Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 11:16 am
Steven Seagal's "Today You Die".
My god in heaven, there are simply no words to describe the wretched awfulness of this movie. I rented this steaming pile of elephant shit because Seagal used to be the man. Above the Law is still one of my favorite martial arts movies, and I wanted to give Steve the benefit of the doubt. I will never make this mistake again.
The storyline has Seagal as a Robin Hood-esque thief that tries to go straight and takes a job in Vegas driving an armored car. Turns out it's a setup and the guard in the back shoots two guards and makes Seagal drive off with $20 million. They actually had the nerve to bill the getaway scene as "the most thrilling car chase ever filmed in Las Vegas".
Evidently it's the ONLY car chase ever filmed in Las Vegas, because it fucking SUCKED.
Seagal has also gained about 60 pounds, and HE'S NOT EVEN DOING HIS OWN FIGHT SCENES ANYMORE. For fuck's sake, they had a stunt double climb a fucking ladder for him. And his hair, sweet jesus what has he done to his hair? The only way I can describe it is to tell you that apparently someone electrocuted a cat and stapled it to his fucking head.
Seagal's costar is Treach from Naughty By Nature, and he gives a horribly shitty performance as well. He has a couple of the worst forced one-liners I've ever had that have ever assaulted my ears.
The movie is also unbelieveably disjointed, with some of the most ridiculously contrived crap ever put on film.
I watched as Steve moved from martial arts action superstar/Italian cop to his Buddhist phase, then his Eskimo/Native American phase, and now he's in his Black gangsta phase. His films have gotten steadily worse as time has progressed, and I think that the man has actually gone insane.
In summation, watch this movie only if you want to spend 90 minutes laughing at Steve's hair.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that since he's such a fat tub of guts now, in the only "love scene" in the flick, he's wearing.....A FUCKING WINTER COAT.
My god in heaven, there are simply no words to describe the wretched awfulness of this movie. I rented this steaming pile of elephant shit because Seagal used to be the man. Above the Law is still one of my favorite martial arts movies, and I wanted to give Steve the benefit of the doubt. I will never make this mistake again.
The storyline has Seagal as a Robin Hood-esque thief that tries to go straight and takes a job in Vegas driving an armored car. Turns out it's a setup and the guard in the back shoots two guards and makes Seagal drive off with $20 million. They actually had the nerve to bill the getaway scene as "the most thrilling car chase ever filmed in Las Vegas".
Evidently it's the ONLY car chase ever filmed in Las Vegas, because it fucking SUCKED.Seagal has also gained about 60 pounds, and HE'S NOT EVEN DOING HIS OWN FIGHT SCENES ANYMORE. For fuck's sake, they had a stunt double climb a fucking ladder for him. And his hair, sweet jesus what has he done to his hair? The only way I can describe it is to tell you that apparently someone electrocuted a cat and stapled it to his fucking head.
Seagal's costar is Treach from Naughty By Nature, and he gives a horribly shitty performance as well. He has a couple of the worst forced one-liners I've ever had that have ever assaulted my ears.
The movie is also unbelieveably disjointed, with some of the most ridiculously contrived crap ever put on film.
I watched as Steve moved from martial arts action superstar/Italian cop to his Buddhist phase, then his Eskimo/Native American phase, and now he's in his Black gangsta phase. His films have gotten steadily worse as time has progressed, and I think that the man has actually gone insane.
In summation, watch this movie only if you want to spend 90 minutes laughing at Steve's hair.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that since he's such a fat tub of guts now, in the only "love scene" in the flick, he's wearing.....A FUCKING WINTER COAT.
